BOFH BOFH: Arrr, I smell piracy ... and it's comin' from a machine with executive privileges Hang on, can't we just turn off the internet?
BOFH BOFH: If the meatbags can't agree on aircon, AI will decide for them How were we to know Bikram Choudhury was in the training data?
BOFH BOFH: Are you ready to raise our expense account limits now? Yet another AI sales creep ruined by PFY's manual reading tactics
BOFH BOFH: What physics defines as impossible, sales calls a challenge The Boss imagineers a new laptop spec with help from AI
BOFH BOFH: Nobody would be stupid enough to go live with the mirror system, surely Oh. Well. Color us surprised
BOFH BOFH: Loss adjuster discovers liability is a two-way street Insurance negotiations take a turn for the Thames
BOFH BOFH: Eight pints of a lager and a management breakthrough The Boss has been on a retreat, which means he needs a factory reset ASAP
BOFH BOFH: Every computer system eventually serves ads Boss's bright idea enshittifies itself in record time
BOFH BOFH: The Christmas spirit has run dry – time to show some chiller instinct After the boardroom is ransacked, it's straight into Arse Covering 101
BOFH BOFH: All through the house, not a creature was stirring except the homicidal vacuum cleaner Minor firmware issues coincide with workplace absence among leadership
BOFH BOFH: If another meeting is scheduled, someone is going to have a scheduled accident Mid-career ennui leads to electrifying fallout
BOFH BOFH: Forward-facing AI brand experience meets forward-facing combustion risk management All this nonsense and we haven't even had Third Breakfast yet
BOFH BOFH: You know something's up when the suits want to spend money Generosity has nothing to do with it – there's a bonus (of sorts) on the line
BOFH BOFH: Saving the planet, one falsified metric at a time The quickest route to carbon neutrality is creative accounting
BOFH BOFH: Recover a database from five years ago? It's as easy as flicking a switch But nobody needs to know that
BOFH BOFH: HR discovers the limits of vertical mobility Ambitious relocation plan stalls between floors 5 and 6
BOFH BOFH: These office thefts really take the biscuit And the PFY and I are not about to get dunked for it
BOFH BOFH: HR plays checkers, IT plays 5D chess It's not sabotage if you log a maintenance ticket first
BOFH BOFH: Deepfake or just an idiot? We'll need an audit to confirm The Boss gets locked out by his own two-factor mousetrap
BOFH BOFH: If you can't beat the AI, let it live inside you Workplace transformation begins with a scalpel and a 12v feed
BOFH BOFH: The auditor is asking too many questions. We have just the laptop for that Sale, skip, or blackmail – your asset disposal options explained
BOFH BOFH: Peeling back the layers of the magic banana industrial complex New fruit detected – please update hype cycle
BOFH BOFH: Rerouting responsibility via firewall configs Two lines of code for an arbitrary office reshuffle sounds too much like work
BOFH BOFH: The Boss meets the unbearable weight of innovation The future of snacks is here, and it's a bit unsteady
BOFH BOFH: The Prints of Darkness pays a visit On the third day of BOFH-mas the sales guy took from me: 3 MFPs, 2 unasked-for shoves, and a cartridge in a cup of tea...
BOFH BOFH: There's a fatal error in the blinkenlights Who needs actual server hardware when you can fire up a Linux laptop with the Matrix screensaver?
BOFH BOFH: Have you tried forcing an unexpected reboot? Schrödinger's firmware and the refreshing power cycle
BOFH BOFH: HR's AI hiring tool is perfectly unbiased – as long as you're us Who knew the secret to workplace harmony was JUGULATOR?
BOFH BOFH: Engage Hollywood Protocol – because nonsense always looks legit And if that fails, there's cold, hard cash
BOFH BOFH: How to innosplain your way through an audit [ɪnəʊspleɪn] Verb. 1. The ability to prattle on in a condescending manner about technology that doesn't exist yet
BOFH BOFH: Printer's festive bips herald a merry mystery for the Boss's budget Merry as in see you down the pub
BOFH BOFH: The devil's in the contract details But at least we have the PFY – and beautiful views from the office window
BOFH BOFH: Don't threaten us with a good time – ensure it Enterprise-level insurance? What are we, Trekkies?
BOFH BOFH: The Boss pulled the plug on our AI, so we pulled the pin on him Database licensing can be such a contentious area
BOFH BOFH: AI consultant rapidly transitioned to new role as automotive surface consultant Now he has a bunch of free time too – in hospital
BOFH BOFH: The Boss is right, the applications of AI are truly staggering The future... of defenestration
BOFH BOFH: Videoconferencing for special dummies Can't question the documentation if there is no documentation
BOFH BOFH: The true gravity of the Boss and the 3-coffee problem 2 bodies of arbitrary positive mass, one of which is the PFY, don't seem very influenced by the chief
BOFH BOFH: Well, we did tell you to keep the BitLocker keys safe All this overtime will surely fund a 'recovery workshops' tour of Belgium
BOFH BOFH: It's not generative AI at all, it's degenerate AI It's training day at HQ... which means pub time is getting closer
BOFH BOFH: Why's the network so slow? Let's take a detour into the Boss's budget to solve this little routing issue
BOFH BOFH: Come on down to the dunge– erm … basement An infinite pile of retro tat has an infinite mass and infinite gravity. The universe, the tat, and the Company hurtle towards the singularity
BOFH BOFH: The greatest victory is that which requires no battle The gimlet eye of AI turns towards … the IT dept
BOFH BOFH: The new Boss, Aiman, is suspiciously good – for now Of course our unfriendly neighborhood sysadmin has nothing to do with it
BOFH BOFH: So you want more boardroom tech that no one knows how to use Remember that scene from Scanners?
BOFH BOFH: In the event of a conference, the ninja clause always applies Remember to fall to the ground clutching your chest if a salesperson addresses you
BOFH BOFH: Hearken! The Shiny Button software speaks of Strategic Realignment It'll wink and blink, but not make you think
BOFH BOFH: Looks like you're writing an email. Fancy telling your colleague to #$%^ off? The Boss brings the wonders of AI automation into the office
BOFH BOFH: Nice air conditioning system. Would be a shame if anything happened to it How to 'improve your service level' with 'AI' when redundancies loom
BOFH BOFH: The Christmas party was so good, an independent inquiry is required So ... time for round 2?
BOFH BOFH: Just because we've had record revenues doesn't mean you get a Xmas bonus Are you sure you don't want to rethink that, though, Boss?
BOFH BOFH: Monitor mount moans end in Beancounter beatdown Now that's how you spend the (newly created) entertainment budget
BOFH BOFH: Adventures in overenthusiastic automation The Boss really just gave IT a robo-vac army to 'revolutionize' office cleaning
BOFH BOFH: We've made a big mesh, Boss. That's what you wanted, right? The signal is strongest in the pub...
BOFH BOFH: A security issue, you say? Activate code tangerine When you utter those words, it empowers us to do anything
BOFH BOFH: What a beautiful tinfoil hat, Boss! In which our heroes keep the office safe as only they know how
BOFH BOFH: WELCOME TO COLOSSAL SERVER ROOM ADVENTURE!! If Health and Safety want to describe Mission Control like a text adventure, they can have a text adventure
BOFH BOFH: You can be replaced by a robot or get your carbon footprint below Big Dave's Decisions, decisions
BOFH BOFH: Lies, damned lies, and standards What do you mean you've never heard of the toner-cartridge diet?
BOFH BOFH: Cough up half a grand and we'll protect you from AI You get job security, we get lager and deep-fried food
BOFH BOFH: Get me a new data file or your manager finds out exactly what you think of him A developer in sales? You poor, poor creature
BOFH BOFH: Ah. Company-branded merch. So much better than a bonus Is your hair on fire or is it just that lovely Spring sunshine?
BOFH BOFH takes a visit to retro computing land You know what never gets old? Taking the Boss for a ride...
BOFH BOFH: The Board members are looking very ill these days Be nice if someone would keep a closer eye on them ...
BOFH BOFH: Generating a report the Director can show the Board – THIS is what AI was made for Spelling mistakes? Poor understanding of grammar? Yes, it looks like your work
BOFH BOFH: It's 4ft tall, heavyset, has optional fax. No they didn't take the toner! PFY and Simon do some of their best work: outsmarting thieves, drinking beer and reading the fine print
BOFH BOFH: Come back to the office. Your hotdesk is nice and warm When your Christmas bonus is a gaming chair you found in the street
BOFH BOFH: Don't be nervous, Mr Consultant. Come right this way … Simon and the PFY take a closer look at a 'routine' data translation costs bill
BOFH BOFH: I know of a small biz that could deliver nothing for a fraction of the cost Say! They're right here in the room! Fancy that!
BOFH BOFH: The Boss has a new watch – move readiness to DEFCON 2 Let us show you some pointless technology of our own
BOFH BOFH: You want presentation layer, but we're physical layer Or How to Philosophize with a Hammer
BOFH BOFH: Who us? Sysadmins? Spend time with other departments? Oh yes. We'd be only too happy to leave our basement dwelling and frolic among you
BOFH BOFH: What if International Bad Actors designed the vaccine to make us watch more Steven Seagal movies?
BOFH BOFH: So you want to have your computer switched out for something faster? It's time to learn from the master
BOFH BOFH: You'll find there's a company asset tag right here, underneath the monstrously heavy arcade machine
BOFH BOFH: When the Sun rises in the West and sets in the East, only then will the UPS cease to supply uninterrupted voltage
BOFH BOFH: Despite the extremely hazardous staircase, our IT insurance agreement is at an all-time low. Can't think why
BOFH BOFH: But we think the UK tax authorities would be VERY interested in how we used COVID support packages
BOFH BOFH: You might want to sit down for this. Oh, right, you can't. Listen carefully: THIS IS NOT AN IT PROBLEM!
BOFH BOFH: Here he comes, all wide-eyed with the boundless optimism of youth. He is me, 30 years ago... what to do?
BOFH BOFH: Gosh, IPv5? Why didn't I think of that? Say, how do you like the new windows in here? Take a look. Closer...
BOFH BOFH: When was the last time someone said these exact words to you: You are the sunshine of my life?